Better Than CNN / News Archives / Moby Attacked, Jimm Is Glad 12/13/2002

At about 1:00 A.M. Thursday, techno "artist" Richard M. Melville (also known as Moby) was signing autographs outside a club after a radio station-sponsored concert. Two men walked up to him and beat the living crap out of him.

Those two guys rule! One guy punched Moby in the back of the head (Donkey Punch style!) and then punched him in the side of the head! I don't know what the other guy did, but it's pretty cool that he was there at least! Moby had broken glasses, bruises, and cuts!

Two security guys came over, but the attackers whipped out some mace (or something like it) and sprayed it all over them! Then they sprayed the manager of the club, and finally sprayed Moby! It's a good thing they had already broken his glasses, or the mace probably wouln't have gotten in his eyes.

The two guys didn't say anything during the attack, and they don't know why they attacked him. Well, duh, Moby sucks! Who wouldn't want to punch him in the face?

The picture at the right is a computer-generated image of what Moby should look like after the attack (check out that tape holding the broken glasses together). Keep in mind it is not an actual picture, and the huge nail in the side of his head was added for effect.

During the concert, Moby said something stupid about how he was against violence. That would explain the attack.

He put a message on his website (which sucks, by the way) saying he believed he was attacked by three people. This is obviously a statement to make him look like he doesn't suck so much, but it doesn't work. It has been confirmed that there were only two men.

He goes on to ask the attackers to post a message on his website explaining why they attacked him. This is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. If you really hate Moby, I mean loathe the guy, would you go to his website? You wouldn't, and you especially wouldn't use his message board.

Moby also uses the term "but I digress" on his website. He used it the same day I used it, and my post was way before his! What a rip-off. I do all the work and Moby gets all the credit, as usual.

Oh, I almost forgot. On another note, McDonalds will be accepting credit cards, or checks, or something. I don't really know, and I certainly don't care.

by Jimm McShane

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